Mom

I've been thinking a lot about my Mom.  On Sunday it will be two years since she died.  I still have her phone number in my cellphone contacts and her e-mail address in my e-mail contacts.  I can't bring myself to delete her.  I sure miss her.

I called her every week to talk; to check-in, to see how she was and to let her know what was happening in my life.  Sometimes it seemed it was hard to think of things to talk about and I would even make up an excuse of why I needed to go after a while.  I had run out of things to talk about with Mom.  I regret that now.  I wish so much I could punch her button on my cellphone and hear her voice.  I guess that's why I can't delete her number.

There's so much I want to tell her now.  So much I want to ask her; share with her.  Sometimes I'll just see something and think, "I should call Mom and tell her.  She'd love that."  I've even picked up the phone and dialed without thinking.  I'll cook one of her recipes and just want to ask her a question about it or order a meal that she loved and want to tell her how good it tasted.  I think about how much Mom would love to hear about Tracy's new apartment or Jessica's trip to Washington Dc.  She would be excited to hear about my new job.  She would love that I was living back here in Tacoma.  She would understand how much I love being close to the girls.  I want to tell her that I love her.

I help people grieve all the time.  I'm a pastor.  I know a lot about grief.  But it's different when it's your grief and it's different when it's your Mom that you are missing.  I know she's always with me.  I see her when I look in the mirror.  She's there when I make family recipes.  I hear her in things that I say and the way that I say them.  I sense her in things that I do and the way that I do them (darn you, Mom!).  

I love you, Mom.  I sure miss you.