Just a Year ...

Philippians 4:6-7   Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Apostle Paul wrote this to the church in Philippi while he was in prison. His letter to the Philippians is full of joy and thanksgiving and hope – not attitudes one would expect from someone suffering in a first century prison. In spite of his circumstances, Paul believed that we can have peace and joy in the midst of suffering and hardship if we find our joy in Christ; if we have the peace of God which transcends any and all circumstances.   

I love Paul's letters. He believed. He walked the talk. I studied Paul and his writings in seminary. I read them on a regular basis. I preach from them. I too believe that we can be thankful in all circumstances. I have felt the peace of God in times when I should not have felt at peace. Yet, this past year, I did not live as I believe.

A year ago, I was in a very difficult job situation that was pulling me down.  I was empty because I was not serving a church and I began to believe that God had ended my call to pastoral ministry. I felt stuck and questioned God."  Why, I asked?"  "Where are you," I wondered. I knew in my head that this was just part of my journey but I stopped believing in my heart. The negative voices took over and instead of hearing God speak into my life, I heard old recordings. I did not have peace. I stopped feeling thankful.

God did not desert me. He was with me – protecting me from accepting the wrong call; serving the wrong church. He provided for my needs. He encouraged me through friends and family and a city that I missed when I was away. He sat with me as I wrestled with my faith. He held me while I cried. He gave me courage to speak out about the work environment.  I saw His face in my daughters as they spoke truth into my life. And then, when the time was right, he opened a door for me to walk through.

A year later, I can look back and say with certainty - “Yes! That was just part of my journey. God did not end my call; he put it on hold until the right call was available.” Now, I can see why [some] of the things I experienced, happened. Of course, I think. I should have been thankful in everything. I should have rested in God's peace that is beyond understanding. I should have trusted; I should have had more faith.

But I've learned that the should-haves will bury me. God already knows I'm human. He knows that my faith is like a roller coaster. Sometimes it's strong and I feel like I'm on the highest track. I'm excited and ready for the next thrill. He knows that sometimes, my faith wavers; that sometimes I feel like I'm in the front car, racing to the bottom trying not to vomit. God knows. He loves me anyway.

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and in the future will have joy and peace in all circumstances but if I'm honest, I know myself. My faith will falter again. I will doubt and sink to the depths.  But I trust that, Praise Be to God, he will not desert me – again.