God Speaks Into Darkness

I haven't posted since early September because I've been sick - in fact I've never been so ill before.  Somehow I got whooping cough and it put me into an asthma crisis.  It completely knocked me down for two full weeks and there were days when I wasn't sure i was going to make it.  A month later, I'm still struggling to recover but I'm back at work and slowly regaining my strength and energy. 

 

I experienced firsthand the loneliness of illness.  I was too sick for conversation or activities but I still wanted companionship.  I wanted to know that someone was there – just sitting there with me.  But because I was contagious, no one could be around me. As a hospice chaplain,  I learned a lot that now informs my care of patients.  Most profoundly, I experienced the nearness of God in the midst of the deep darkness of my illness in a way that brought new life and hope and meaning.  Perhaps it was because I could only lie in my bed and sleep and be quiet enough to hear His voice, but after yearning to feel His presence for several months, it was in the midst of my severe illness and isolation that I found God.  God spoke to my future at a time when I was questioning whether I even had a future at all.

Without going into all the details or tell you about the wrestling involved, the message was clear.  God is calling me back to serve His Church!  It is time for me to throw my hat into the ring and look for a pastoral call.  My heart is singing with joy.   I love being a pastor!  I love being in relationship with people.  I have a heart for pastoral care.  I love the study and teaching and preaching.  I love equipping a congregation to be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ in their community.  I rejoice when I see people’s lives transformed by the God’s love and mercy and grace.  I have missed serving in a church.  Lying in bed, literally gasping for breath with whooping cough and asthma, the Holy Spirit showed me that the sadness lodged deep in my soul was the sadness of not pastoring a church.  Perhaps my gasping was symbolic for gasping for what gives me life.  I believe that God has a call for me where I can serve His Church and be near my family. 

Never underestimate God.  When or where He will speak to us.  What He will use to get our attention.  God chose to speak into my life in the midst of the darkness of my illness – bringing joy and hope when I was feeling isolated and pretty hopeless.  I wait in anticipation of the fulfillment of His promise.

Psalm 30   “I will praise you, Lord, for you have saved me from my enemies. You refuse to let them triumph over me. ² O Lord my God, I pleaded with you, and you gave me my health again. ³ You brought me back from the brink of the grave, from death itself, and here I am alive!”